Shortly after the official diagnosis, it had been recommended to me that we seek a consultation with a Paediatrician. In hindsight, I think the Paediatrician visit and the Paediatrician himself were just a trigger for me moving into a very sad place. And I’m unsure exactly what it was about the visit to this specialist that got the sadness rolling. He seemed to matter-of-factly use the Autism word in reference to Lammy and at the time there seemed to be little regard for feelings. ‘Of course’ he said ‘the child has classic autism’. I felt angry and sad at the same time. As I said, in hindsight, the Paediatrician was just being truthful and maybe I needed some kid-gloves at the time, but the experience was more than I could bear.
So what has been my experience of grief? My journey is my experience. It doesn’t set out to guide you or give you any instruction. Maybe you’ll see some familiarity in some of the stories on the journey – maybe you won’t.
But what I think it does show is that grief generally occurs not really from a single event, but that it’s part of the journey as you take on this role as parent to an ASD child. Your awareness changes, your feelings change, your triggers change as you go.
I knew it was coming. I’m a smart girl – I had two eyes. He may have been my only child, but I could see the difference. My child looked the same as other children his age, he even hit the same physical developmental milestones as other kids like teething, eating, walking. But I still knew that he wasn’t the same. But denial can be very powerful – and it can seem very safe. Continue reading “Denial: This can’t be happening to me!”